May 19, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Do Your MP3s Contain Satanic Messages? There’s an App For That.

Finally, Android offers a way to rid your music files of hidden Satanic messages. We can all breath a sigh of relief.

In case you weren’t already freaked out enough, with Judgement Day coming up this Saturday (don’t forget to pick up flowers), we have more bad news: Satan is lurking in your MP3s — and no, we aren’t talking about lossy data compression. Nor are we suggesting that you rig up your turntable to play “Stairway to Heaven” backwards to rat out these offenders.

According to developer Brother Mark, this is evil so insidious it can only be detected by an algorithm sent to him by God himself. Satanic messages lie deep in the 0′s and 1′s of your encoded MP3s, claims Brother Mark, and his app can help you find them, for a mere dollar.

The app is bDeviled, and Brother Mark claims it’s backed by real science (or more likely something more random but equally intriguing). The good news is that when it comes to cleansing your music collection of binary devilry, Google’s Android Market has you covered.

Fearing for the sanctity of our own listening experience, we put bDeviled through its paces and were surprised at what we found. Sometimes funny, and sometimes just plain weird, the messages read halfway between a sadistic fortune cookie and Ted Bundy’s Facebook status. Our music collection unearthed the following gems:

“A Whole New World,” from the Disney Princess Collection (don’t ask) was the first we scanned. We had high hopes for this one, but now, we’ll never think of Aladdin the same way. The message hidden there:

“Gladly do I fornicate with the haunted wicked one’s power.”

Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend” seemed innocuous enough for our second example, so we gave it a shot. Apparently, that song contains more direct advice:

“Pay tribute to the prince of darkness who is King of all creation.”

Meanwhile, Moby’s “Flying Foxes” offered insight into the Devil’s slightly outdated political agenda:

“Bill Clinton is the servant of the malignant spirit.”

Following that epiphany, “Celluloid Hypnotic” by Spylab and “Ramblin’ on my Mind” by the Yardbirds revealed Satan to have the sense of humor of a 13-year old boy:

“Take your man and show off his schlong in the name of Barghest” and “Hell’s goblin wants you to know the true joy of touching her hooters,” respectively.

It’s worth noting that out of everything we tested, only Weezer’s “Island in the Sun” appeared to be free of any Satanic ramblings, which was an encouraging result. Feel free to listen to that one.

Overall, we found this app entertaining if slightly disturbing. We wouldn’t suggest purging 80 percent of your music collection or tossing your copy of Disney’s Aladdin after a scan with bDeviled, for that matter. (Who knows the next time it’ll come out on Blu-ray?)

There are plenty of ways to waste a buck these days, and while bDeviled may be one of them, it’s certainly not the worst app you could buy. Break it out at parties and get some laughs from your friends — or just weird looks.